Update. Also, God hates the Cho family

I went to the ER last night because the advice nurse told me to go within the hour - apparently shortness of breath with chills and sweats is the reason to make the trip and NOT the EIGHT hours of diarrhea. They gave me anti-nausea pills (which i heard works miracles for hangovers, so i'll be saving these, thank you very much!) and some immodium. The doctor said, "despite the philosophy of getting rid of bacteria through diarrhea, you have to live." I didn't know getting rid of bacteria had any sort of philosophical backbone, but whatever. They gave me three glasses of water to see if I could hold it down - cool experimento! I felt nauseous, sitting in that cold hospital room. After 45 minutes of no results minus an unhappy me, they let me go. I started to feel pretty gross in the cab. Worse when I looked up at the three flights of stairs that would inevitably be my doom because as soon as I made it up to the apartment I vomited those three goddamn glasses of water in the garbage can!

Priceless moment. Jack: "Soooo, sweetie, what should I do with the garbage can?"

Me: "Oh, uhhh, yeah. sorry you have to deal with that. Do whatever - throw the whole thing out if you want."

Jack: "How 'bout this. I'll put it outside on the balcony." Jack comes into room, walking towards balcony, holding garbage can away from his face, exclaimng, "OH GOD, JESUS! IT'S SO HEAVY!"

I've learned today that my dad also has diarrhea and my mom has a fever. We lived our faces off, from some wars in Korea, to a little nephew that hopefully doesn't have too much of our genes, to a pretty sweet bourbon collection. And now we are off, succumbing to our deteriorating bodies as we go quietly, not with a bang but a whimper.

Marathon Diarrhea

I diarrhead for EIGHT hours today from 7am till about 3pm! Thought it was food poisoning at first but now I have a fever and aches. I can't go to the hospital to get tested for swine flu unless my symptoms get waaaay worse, or if i'm preggers, have asthma or and a kid. Cool health care system, eh? Seriously, my anus is so raw. I'd drink a sip of water and ten minutes later it'd come shooting out of my fucking ass! I almost pooped my pants twice running to the fucking bathroom!

If this EVER happens to you, eat plain rice. At about 5:30 I farted without worrying about a water-shit explosion. It was the most relieving and joyous fart I've ever had in my life. Why did I wait so long before eating? Because you gotta get that bacteria out of your system! That and my insides felt like someone put it in a blender.

Sushi Raw

There's a new sushi place that opened up in my neighborhood. We decided to try it out. We played mercy to see who'd pay - I lost despite having freakishly strong hands because I have weak wrists. WEAK WRISTS!!!

Sake has always been like water to me - a refreshing hydration rather than intoxicating. By the end of six large bottles I FINALLY felt the sake drunk. It was a heavy kind of drunk, not light and silly like tequila nor crazy like whiskey.

Our server said I look very Korean and gave us a 10% discount.

Now i'm sporting a rockin' headache, all ready for HALLOWEEEENIE!

OKAY, here's a post!

Welcome to my fabulous life. Here's an update:

Grad school: SFSU is a big turd. In addition to the bureaucracy, the furloughs, the cut classes, the raised fees, what I'm having to learn this semester is dealing unsupportive professors and a hostile graduate department environment. There is competition - HOW?! Here's what it sounds like (in nerd voice) - "My analysis on Derrida kicks the nards out of your joke of a paper on Hirsch, you plebeian!" ANSWER: there is none unless you are a douche.

Work: I am SOOOOO good at hand numbering pages!!! This American Life and Fresh Air seem to be making the time go by but by the end of the day I want to shake Ira Glass by the shoulders and yank on Terry Gross's nose. Apparently my venting fantasies are mildly juvenile.

Health: Yup, there is a section on my health. RIGHT AFTER I turned in a paper last Thursday I got a cold. That was perfect timing because Friday Jackface and I had planned our annual we've-been-dating-too-long outing, and Saturday was gonna be a hang out session with my nephew. Here's what ended up happening: Friday - Take out Chinese food and play; Saturday - watched Mad Men, The Life Aquatic and SNL, made tons of mucous and dreamed of cheeseburgers and ketchup.

The other stuff: As mentioned earlier, I went to a play on Friday and I can't recommend going to this theater enough. Get the shockbox seats and zap your neighbors (or be zapped...!) This year's production was lots of fun with people in yellow face aaaaaand.... BOOBIES! In other news, my nephew is still adorable and I can't taste or smell (which is dangerous for when I fart in public because I can't tell if I need to fan the air). The end. Here's Ben in his halloween costume.

Clubs are terrible

Went to a rich friend's 30th birthday party over the weekend. My dear womanizing friend insisted on this "dirty" theme party. What came to his mind? A sexy party. What came to my mind? The passion of cracked out homeless people in the Tenderloin. As I predicted, only the females at this party dressed up and the males wore dumb collared shirts with dumb jeans and dumb shoes. Jack and I went for the pedophile look - that's dirty, right? He was a teacher and I was a school gal - a very conservative, show nothing school gal. That's how I roll, assholes.

We got kicked out of the penthouse at 10pm and made our way to Roe, some club across the street. Thank god one of my male friends was dressed beautifully in drag. I stayed near him so as to ward off the poo-head dudes surrounding us. In conclusion, trance music is fucking awful, the bouncer guarding our reserved area insisted that I take his arm EACH time I wanted to leave and come back and that was awful, and I had a great fucking time.

"Camping" in Pescadero

Went on our first vacation together as a couple. We stayed in what's called tent cabins- little canvas tent cabins that look like fancy hovels containing a queen sized bed with a heating mattress pad, a coat hangar, and a basket full of towels and little bottles of shampoo, conditioner and lotion. Our area of about 20 tent cabins was called "Cypress Village," geared towards 1-2 people and no children despite the herds of children that riddled the landscape elsewhere. We also had access to a hot tub and sauna during our camping trip.

Few things to comment on:

1. Saw elephant seals at Ano Nuevo. Elephant seals are one of the ugliest animals I've ever seen. They look like gargantuan, uncircumcised wieners.

2. Saw some dead birds at the otherwise very nice beach across the way from Cypress Village. Hmmmm.

3. Night one: we ate at the fancy restaurant on site. I ordered a giant plate of ribs and Jack ordered the risotto- what can I say, the corpulent couple behind us were eating ribs and the smell of my future was intoxicating. The guy giving us our food was convinced I ordered the risotto and that the ribs were for Jack. He continued to walk past us throughout our meal as I massacred my plate. Night two: we ate at this BBQ thing. Jack got a veggie burger and I got a cheeseburger. The oldie man giving us our food came up to me not once but twice, to comment on how I could possibly eat a huge cheeseburger. Then as we were leaving he waved and winked. You know, the ol' wavey-winky move. Nothing makes me feel more at ease than strangers watching me eat and think Jack is a pussy.

4. My shark kite is a useless piece of shit that refused to go higher than 15 feet. Asshole.

5. I tan beautifully but also unevenly. I literally have a brown nose, more so now than before.

6. I couldn't poo all weekend, once again proving that my bowels are shy of travel.

I have stupid dreams

Sometimes they're awesome. You know, the getting chased by Freddie Kruger types, getting sexied upon by some hot celebrity or kicking ass with my sweet subconscious fighting skillz. But usually my dreams are only an extension of the events and thoughts throughout the previous hours of my day- Like going to work. Seriously, I once had a dream that I was going to work and when I woke up, had to get ready and go to work.

Last week I was sleeping on my sister's couch with the company of little Nigel. Despite repeated commands to make Nigel sleep on the ottoman at the end of the couch he always ended up back on my feet or burrowed right by my arms or any other crevice my body couldn't cover. I was dreaming that I had long, beautiful hair, the kind of hair that shimmers in the wind much like a Garnier or Pantene commercial. I stir, starting to wake up uncomfortably from my strange slumber only to find the source of my long hair dream. I was laying on my side, facing away from the backrest of the couch and Nigel had nuzzled himself in the space between the cushions and my back. Nigel's hairly little body was align with where my "hair" was in my dream... The reason I dreamed I had long, beautiful hair was because a yorkshire terrier was lodged behind my back.